How Do Two People Who Love Each Other Drift Apart?

I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships. Why do some relationships last while others slowly fall apart?

What causes two people who once loved so much they committed to each other for life to eventually falling out of love or just co-existing?

And maybe the bigger question: How do you keep that from happening?

I've been married for 14 years now, and I certainly don't have marriage figured out, we are all a work in progress, right!? 😆 Like every marriage, ours has had different seasons. Highs and lows. Seasons where we've felt incredibly connected and seasons where life gets busy, where we have grown apart, or lost our vision together. And then we have to intentionally find our way back to each other.

I’ve realized marriage isn't just something you have, it's something you have to continue to build and work on everyday. So when I think about what causes relationships to drift apart in the first place. I don't think most relationships fall apart overnight.

I think they often drift apart slowly. Less conversation, less curiosity about each other's lives, a few things left unsaid that turns to resentment leading to less intimacy, less connection, less dreaming together, misalignment in values. None are good.

Date nights disappear because the kids have activities, work is crazy, and life is busy.

You stop asking, "What do you want our life to look like?" And somewhere along the way, you can go from building a life together to simply managing one together.

You become really good roommates, great co-parents, more business partners in managing this thing they call life and somewhere underneath the schedules, bills, kids, careers, laundry, practices, dinners and responsibilities...you stop dating each other.

I’ve learned that's one of the most dangerous places a relationship can get, a strong bond that was once there slowly fades and you stop trying.

So when Do You Know It's Over?

I'm not sure there is one universal answer. Maybe it comes down first to, are you willing to fight for it? Because it will be hard and if you are not willing to put in the work, well good luck, either you will live in a mediocre relationship, rob yourself of true happiness, show your kids the wrong way love should work, or worse divorce without ever actually giving it the work to try, of course you both need to be all in.

Life is too short to live a mediocre life with a mediocre relationship, who says we can’t have it all afterall you are the one who gets to decide what having it all means.

Relationships can survive hard seasons, we are freaking humans and relationships are hard and everyday life is throwing shit our way, another obstacle, another loss, another disagreement, another uphill battle, that’s life.

As long as two people are willing to be honest, have uncomfortable conversations, take responsibility for their part, forgive, change and intentionally move toward each other, I think there can be a lot more hope than we sometimes realize.

But that requires something many of us aren't naturally good at:

Looking at ourselves before pointing at the other person.

It's easy to ask: "Why don't you make me feel loved anymore?"

Harder to ask:

"How have I been showing up in our relationship?"

"Have I been giving the kind of love I'm asking to receive?"

"Have I clearly communicated what I need, or have I expected you to just know?"

"What resentment am I carrying that we haven't talked about?"

"Do I still know your dreams?"

And maybe one of the biggest: "Do we still have a shared vision for our life?"

You Need Something You're Building Together

I believe deeply in vision in business and in life so why wouldn't it matter just as much in marriage? As I always say the conversation is the relationship so asking yourselves:

• Where are we going?
• What kind of parents do we want to be?
• What do we want our finances to look like?
• What experiences do we want to have?
• What are we working toward?
• What matters to us?
• Who do we want to become?
• What do we want life to look like five, ten or twenty years from now?

Two people don't have to want exactly the same things but I do think you need to be heading in a direction that allows both people to become who they want to become without losing each other along the way.

Maybe it isn't about having the same hobbies, maybe it's about remaining interested in each other. I know I am not the person I was 14 years ago when I married Nic because we're all changing all the time. We’ve gone through different experiences that make an IMPACT on us, that change us, that give us new perspectives. Lessons we learn through books, rooms you put yourself in, well the game of life.

A strong marriage may require continually getting to know the new versions of each other so please I am asking you, please have the Conversations Before You Need Them.

Don’t let resentment quietly compound, instead get curious and have the conversations, address the elephants in the room.

• "You've seemed distant lately. What's going on?"
• "Are you happy?"
• "What do you need more of from me?"
• "What are you excited about right now?"
• "Is there anything you've been afraid to tell me?"
• "What could I do that would make you feel more loved?"

Most IMPORTANTLY: "Are we living the life we actually want to be living?"

Those aren't always comfortable conversations and that’s not the goal, the goal is connection, seeing each other, growing together, getting excited about something together, lifting each other rather than tearing each other down. They say, Keep Dating the Person You Married, yeah yeah seems clique and it is so very simple & true. Flirt, laugh, do something together you have never done, compliment each other, do something unexpected for them.

Don’t wait until something is wrong to start paying attention. Love is a choice, fourteen years into marriage and still I have to remind Nic, that everyday when I wake up, I choose to keep building a life with him.

I certainlydon't have all the answers but I think that's one thing I'm becoming more certain of is you don't build a strong relationship once, you have tokeep building it one conversation at a time, one date at a time, one apology, one good laugh, and well shit just keep dreaming, keep growing, and keep showing up for each other.

So are you still creating a life you love with the one you chose? If not, what are you willing to do about it?

Your friend who is just trying to figure it out too,

Tara Allen

From the Vault: If this hit home, you'll love Designing Your Life on Purpose.